Seeking Peace in Your Relationship

KD (25) and Nancy (21) fell in love and started a wonderful relationship which soon became the talk of their church. He was everything Nancy wanted in a man and she was everything he wanted in a woman. One day, someone came to tell KD that Nancy was already in a relationship with another boy from the same church before saying yes to him.

KD was upset and wondered why Nancy had not been forthcoming about the other boy. He decided he did not want to cause trouble in the church and so, without confirming the story with Nancy, he withdrew from her.

She had no idea why KD had become distant towards her. She turned to one of her friends for help and advice. What she did not know was that, it was this friend who had gone to KD with the story that had made him withdraw. Her friend told her that KD was interested in another girl, thus his strange behaviour. Annoyed, Nancy decided that she was not going to fight for any man’s love so if KD wanted to go, so be it.

Neither of them confronted the other with what they had been told; ach felt too proud to go to the other to try and salvage their relationship. They went their separate ways and got married to different people, but within a year of their respective marriages they realized that the only person they ever really loved was the one they had lost.

Five years after their relationship had been destroyed, KD and Nancy met to talk and it was then that they discovered the mischief that had destroyed their relationship but it was too late to back because they were both married now. But since then, their marriages have suffered every day because those marriages, maybe, shouldn’t have been.

I have discovered that sometimes people walk away from each other when they still deeply love themselves but for a while, they are able to fool themselves that it is not so. In that state of denial, they may go ahead to commit to other people only to realize years later that they made a mistake in not fighting for the love they had. There are a few things more tragic than a relationship destroyed when love is buried alive. And that is why before you walk away from you should ask yourself a few questions:

1. What is really the problem here? Is it a real problem or an imagined one or one based on someone’s mischief?

2. What if I am wrong about what is making me want to walk away from the person I love?

3. Can I really love someone else as much as I love this person? If the answer is no, think twice before you walk away.

4. Is the issue really that important? Will it matter in five years? Is it worth destroying the relationship over?

5. Did I do my best for this relationship?

Many of us have outstanding relationship issues before we can move on. Many of us are in marriages and relationships, but have still not moved on from the previous one. Mo outstanding issue can have a more profound effect on your future than a relationship issue. Some of us have troubled love relationships. This is a relationship that used to bring us so much joy and affirmation. This is a person we used to feel a day is not complete is we had not spoken to them. Today we don’t talk anymore. Something has gone wrong. How can you save this relationship? To help those of us in that situation, here are 10 ideas on how to save your relationship if you want to:

1. Be very careful with that other people tell you about your loved one. You have no idea how hard people work to destroy other people’s relationships.

2. Don’t think for the other person. Sometimes a relationship goes sour because one party is thinking for the other person. They imagine what the other person is feeling about them or what the other person meant by what he said. Never think for the person you say you love if you value the relationship.

3. Don’t take words and actions out of context. I know there is a popular saying that you should never forget what someone tells you when they are angry because that is what they have always wated to tell you. It is one of the most diabolical sayings in the world and anyone who takes actions based on it will destroy his/her relationship. Fact is, when we get angry, we often say things we don’t really mean. Sometimes, you regret the words as they are coming out of your mouth. I doubt if there is any one of us who often does not wish that the person, we care about forgets something we said in anger, because it did not reflect what was inside. So, if we know that in anger, we say things we don’t mean, why do we hold others to what they say in anger? I think lovers will be well served if they can agree that when they are angry, nothing they say to each other should be taken as the truth as long as there is an apology. Angry words are foolish words.

4. Don’t let pride keep you from making up. Sometimes, what is needed to restore a relationship is for one party to call. But pride often keeps people from calling. Listen, in a relationship, there is no room for pride.

5. Don’t attack or blame the other person. It takes two to tango. When a relationship goes wrong, even the one who feels aggrieved might have contributed to the problem. So, it helps if you begin with an apology of your part in the trouble.

6. Don’t get defensive. If the other person opens up and tells you what you did to them, don’t get defensive. Remember, saving the relationship is more important than being right.

7. Make yourself vulnerable before the person you love. Tell the person you love what you felt when the relationship went wrong. The knowledge that we were missed and needed works wonders in many of us. Remember, true love makes us vulnerable with the person you claim you claim, then maybe there was never love.

8. When the two of you get talking, don’t counter attack. For instance, if she says you never call unless she calls, don’t counter with: but you also never keep your promise. This will lead to an argument.

9. If need be, don’t hesitate to bring in someone whom your partner respects to help you two. Sometimes, you need someone to either plead for you or to arbitrate between you. Your beloved may be too hurt to listen to you but he listens to someone he respects or values.

10. In some cases, you may come to the conclusion that it is best for the relationship to die. If so, end it well. End it without destroying the dignity of the other person and in such a way that the other person understands exactly why it will not, and cannot work between you two. Remember, this kind of decision should be mutual.

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